No guilt in life, no fear in death, This is the pow'r
of Christ in me; From life's first cry to fi-nal
breath, Je-sus com-mands my des-ti-ny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man, Can ev-er pluck me from His hand;
Till He re-turns or calls me home, Here in
the pow'r of Christ I stand.
Lutheran Jokes
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"You Know You Are Lutheran When…"
(with thanks to Thrivent members for their contributions) |
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You only serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color for the
season |
You make spaghetti at your house with the little macaroni
noodles because they're not so messy then. |
You forget to put water in the baptismal font but never forget
to put water in the coffee pot. |
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You have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry. |
Peas in your tuna noodle hot dish add too much color |
The church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot. |
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You think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant. |
You think butter is a spice. |
You freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next
week |
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You think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a
gourmet salad. |
You think hot dish is one of the major food groups. |
Doughnuts are in the official church budget. |
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You know jello is a separate food group. |
You think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hot dish" is
trying to be uppity |
Folgers has you on their Christmas list. |
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You don't see a green leaf of anything at the church 'salad'
luncheon, but every color of Jell-0 is represented! |
You carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case
there's a potluck |
You wonder why bread and wine are used for Communion instead of
coffee and donuts. |
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Your church constitution allows for the Jello Committee. |
You can't have a meeting without having a meal. |
It's 110 degrees outside and you still have coffee after
services. |
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You regard jello with fruit salad as one of the major food
groups. |
All of your casserole dishes have your name on the bottom. |
You count coffee among the sacraments. |
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At the potluck, there is one table covered with "salads"
composed of jello, marshmallows, fruit and whipped cream...and
another table of desserts. |
You have a green bean casserole in the freezer in case there's a
last minute potluck. |
You have a Christmas Stolen, and you eat it!!! |
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You serve Jell-O as a vegetable. |
The pastor challenges the congregation to find one thing the
church celebrates without food... and you can't find a thing. |
Giving up coffee for lent is a sacrifice. |
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Someone mentions red and green (in terms of Christmas), you
immediately think of a battle over hymnals |
You can't comprehend why anyone would want to voluntarily
fast... after all what would Lent and Good Friday be without
potluck fish dinners? |
Coffee and fellowship lasts longer then the church service did. |
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During the entire service you hold your hymnal open but never
look down at it. |
You think man shall not live by bread alone but must add butter |
Coffee and cookies in the church basement actually happens! |
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During communion you hum the hymns so you can see who's at
church that Sunday. |
You heard that "tithing" meant giving 2% of your leftovers. |
Coffee has it's own entry in the Church Budget. |
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A midlife crisis means switching from the old hymnbook to the
new one. |
When, in order to remember to take your offering envelope, you
tuck it into your casserole cosy. |
The communion cabinet is open to all, but the coffee cabinet is
locked up tight |
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The pastor skips the last hymn to make sure church lasts exactly
60 minutes |
You wish fast food restaurants served sauerkraut as a side item. |
Coffee is a line item in your budget along with the communion
supplies. |
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Your choir believes volume is a fair substitute for tonality. |
You attend a church pot-luck dinner and over half the dishes
contain tuna. |
You have your own personal cup at church. |
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Bach is your favorite composer just because he was Lutheran, too |
At pot lucks all the men have table ware and napkins in their
shirt pockets so the full plates are easier to carry |
The third service each Sunday is the coffee hour. |
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You know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in
German but can't speak a word of it. |
At every social gathering you attend there's at least one bowl
of potato salad. |
You think a meeting isn't legitimate unless it's at least three
hours long. |
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You sing "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus" while sitting down. |
Even after all these years from confirmation, you're still
wondering if your pastor was wrong for not including potlucks as
a means of grace. |
You don't make eye contact when passing someone in the hall
because you think it's impolite. |
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You ask for "A Mighty Fortress" on the love song request line. |
You can't imagine a celebration without food. |
You talk to someone else and look at their shoes first. |
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You automatically sing 'amen' at the end of every song you sing. |
Cream of Mushroom soup is an aggressive spice |
You hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can. |
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You know the harmony better than the melody for most hymns, and
automatically sing it, without looking at the hymnal. |
You think no meal is complete without a side of mashed potatoes. |
It takes 10 minutes to say good-bye. |
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You have nightmares about saxophones, electric guitars, and
drums in the choir loft, and the pastor with a tambourine! |
The evangelism committee's motivation for getting new members is
having an excuse to throw another potluck. |
You have an uncontrollable urge to sit in the back of any room. |
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You have a debate over which version of A Mighty Fortress Is Our
God is better. |
The first order of business for planning services for the Advent
or Lent season is to determine which committee is hosting the
meal. |
You hold your family reunion in the church basement. |
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You quit watching Lawrence Welk because there is too much sax
and violins! |
Pastor Schmidt says we are meeting Sunday as a group to preview
the movie Passion of Christ, then meet back at church to discuss
. . . and you wait with anticipation that he will follow that up
with "food to follow the meeting." AND HE DID !!! |
You're running a 10K road race and stop to pick up the cups at
the water station. |
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You don't sing hymns above a whisper for fear of being drafted
into the choir. |
You yearly sign up to bring sandwiches or bars to the Wed. eve.
Lenten soup suppers. |
You expect an opening and closing prayer even at secular and
civil meetings |
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You think "modern hymns" are those written in the 1700's. |
You attend a potluck (does not matter where) and look for the
macaroni & cheese! |
The only mealtime prayer you know is “Come Lord Jesus”. |
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A "contemporary" service involves some "old-time" gospel. |
Your congregation has so many potlucks that it needs a separate
leftovers committee. |
Change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit
to church |
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Your cell phone ringer is set to "A Mighty Fortress". |
Your favorite meal is a "Pot Luck" Supper! |
You can’t have a meeting without having a meal. |
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You can't understand why they are thinking of making yet another
new hymnal when your church is still using the TLH copyright
1942, and it still works fine. |
A church celebration always includes hotdogs and sauerkraut. |
You have your wedding reception in the fellowship hall and you
feel guilty about not staying to help clean up |
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A contemporary hymn is anything written in the 1800's. |
You refer to beer as "Lutheran Kool-Aid" |
You feel guilty about not feeling guilty. |
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You consider the term "contemporary church service" to be an
oxymoron. |
Busted when you bring Butter Ball cookies and bake them with
margarine. |
You can't say the word "No" without following it with the word
"Problem!" |
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Rather than introducing yourself to a visitor at church, you
check their name out in the guestbook |
You can’t get into heaven without a casserole. |
At the close of a memo it states "Peace be with you" and you
respond "and also with you." |
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In response to someone jumping up and shouting "Praise the
Lord!", you politely remind him or her that we don't do that
around here. |
You’re willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church. |
Your idea of an affirmation is "This is most certainly true." |
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You make change in the offering plate for a ten. |
The bumper sticker on your car says, "Legalize Lutefisk!" |
Someone asks you "What does this mean?" and your answer ends
with "This is most certainly true." |
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They have to rope off the last pews in church so the front isn't
empty. |
You notice the Kool Aid stock shoots up during the Vacation
Bible School season. |
There are 4 people in a room and at least 6 opinions. |
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You tap a church visitor on the shoulder and say, "excuse me,
but you're in my seat." |
You think Garrison Keillor's stories are totally factual. |
It takes four of you to change a light bulb--one to change the
bulb and three to stand around saying, "We've never done it that
way before." |
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You doodle on the back of communion cards. |
Your Presbyterian friends can't understand why Garrison
Keillor's "News from Lake Wobegon" is so much funnier for you. |
You've uttered the words "He is really nice...and he isn't even
a LUTHERAN!" |
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Sharing the peace during the service takes more time than the
sermon. |
When filling out the time portion of your Time and Talent
stewardship sheet, you write listening to Garrison Keillor on
the radio. |
They say you're not hard of hearing, you're just hard of
listening |
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Your mom, sisters and grandmother all want to sit on the pulpit
side of the church every Sunday. |
You actually understand the folks from Lake Wobegon. |
You catch yourself saying "Amen" at the end of the Pledge of
Allegiance. |
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Your entire congregation scrunches into the back half of the
church, even though there are plenty of empty pews in front.
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Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives. |
When the treasurer finally balances the budget, in a negative.! |
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You look confused and utterly terrified when you're supposed to
shake the hand of a pew neighbor. |
While watching Star Wars you hear "May the force be with you"
and you reply "And also with you" |
You can actually tell someone what Sunday of the church year it
is. |
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It takes longer to leave church than to attend the service
because everyone makes a single file line to shake the Pastor's
hand and chat with him on the way out. |
You pronounce the word Lutheran as "Lutern." |
Every special service or committee meeting is scheduled for 7:00
pm, "Lutheran Standard Time" |
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You move to a new area, and spend several months trying to find
a congregation that's EXACTLY like the one you left, AND the one
you grew up with. |
Your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by
works. |
You are counting the offering, and all the bills are folded into
a small wad. |
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The only time you kneel in church is for your confirmation,
wedding or communion (depending on the church). |
You think the communion wafers are too spicy. |
You try to recite the Apostle's Creed from memory, but keep
accidentally inserting lines from the Nicene Creed. |
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Your Congregational meeting is held on Superbowl Sunday, so it
won't last long. |
You dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween. |
You actually think the Reverend's first name is "Pastor." |
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You arrive in church and start having a panic attack because
someone else is sitting in "your pew". |
You think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for
a "mixed marriage." |
You think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new
car for the first time in eight years. |
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You lure your kids to Sunday service with cups of Cherrios |
You are referred to as the frozen chosen! |
You have 'was a member of Thrivent' put in your obituary. |
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Everyone at a voter's meeting is more than willing to discuss
their opinions on an issue, but no one can make a decision when
it comes time to vote. |
The most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship
Committee. |
You can't understand why the youth group is not excited about
the "knitted potholder" fundraiser |
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You constantly are in fear at concerts at your church that the
ceiling will fall down after you clap. |
You don't question why the seat you sit in at church is called a
pew. |
You think Bethlehem and Jerusalem are in Minnesota! |
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Sunday Services are a bit shorter during the NFL season |
You visit your childhood church after being in the military for
20 years, and the SAME people are sitting in the SAME pews and
they still remember it was you that got caught drinking the
communion wine 25 years ago. |
If you say the word "thing a ma jig" you get detention. |
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You fold that dollar bill at least 4 times before dropping it in
the collection plate. |
You see a car bumper sticker saying, "You can always tell a
German, but you can't tell HIM much!" |
You "know" that the first man to walk on north american soil and
the first american president were both Lutherans. |
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Your wife attends a Saturday service at one Lutheran church
because she is the nursery attendant on Sundays at another. |
You think the epistles are the wives of the apostles. |
You are at a funeral of a family member who is Catholic, and you
are the only one who says "for Thine is the Kingdom and the
Power and the Glory, forever and ever. Amen," after everyone
else is done. |
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You ask a visitor to scoot down three seats after saying:
"Welcome - but you're in my seat". |
Your mother's maiden name once had an umlaut in it. |
You read all the jokes in the "You Know You Are Lutheran When…
archive. |
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Change most often comes in the form of coins in the offering
plate. |
Oma and Opa are your grandparents. |
Your family refers to Martin Luther as "our man Martin". |
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Your congregation’s first two operating rules are “don’t change”
and “don’t spend”. |
You know Perry Co MO doesn't refer to the singer |
All of your relatives graduated from a school named Concordia |
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Nobody dares leave the church until the pastor says:"Go in peace
and serve the Lord". |
You are fifty years old and your mother still won't let you date
Catholics. |
Your biggest fundraisers are bake sales instead of Bingo. |
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Council rescinds a motion to "remove the outhouse" because of
it's quaint historical value...it's needed for storage! |
All your greeting cards have to be Synodically approved. |
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